Dear Tillman: Abandoned Boy Seeks Help

DEAR TILLMAN: This evening my roommate and I were working on homework in our room and he asked if he could invite some girls over. Being the shy and bashful boy I am I was reluctant at first but then gave him the green light to invite them. I hardly know these girls so when they came over to our room I didn’t talk to them. We were all working on homework for a half hour or so until my roommate got a call. He is a volunteer firefighter so when he gets a call on his pager he’s got to book it to the station. After he made a mad dash out of the room I was left in there with just me and two girls. I glanced at my phone and nearly gasp when I see that open house hours will last for another hour and a half. After five minutes of sitting in complete silence beads of sweat start running down my face. I would feel bad for kicking them out but I also want to get out of this terribly uncomfortable situation that my roommate has thrusted me into. What do I do? – BASHFUL BOY IN 1B2

 

Tillman Erb, Erb Hall’s namesake, was one of Hesston’s founders.

DEAR BASHFUL BOY: Let me first start this response by taking note of the rather peculiar ritual in which, I presume one person hands the other a green light to show their approval of a situation. This seems very odd to me, and will take more than a little getting used to. Now on to your predicament. Even though your roommate left for noble reasons, that does not change the sticky bun of a situation he has left you in. It seems to me that at the point in the time and space continuum your story has left us, there are but three courses of action. The first option being this: you could make some sort of diversion by which to draw the female’s attention away, meanwhile you climb out of the window. I’d say the best diversion for your situation is to start a grease fire in the bathroom. This will without doubt create plenty of chaos for you to cleanly sneak out. It also will more than likely bring your fire-fighting friend quickly back to the room, which is where he wanted to be in the first place.

Now if you would rather not have to leave your room, then I have an option which I suspect you’re going to enjoy thoroughly. Pretend to slip a disc and start screaming in pain. When they ask you what’s wrong, simply scream in pain and tell them go for help. Upon their departure, lock the door, and proceed as you were. This should by you a solid 15 minutes of solitude before they come banging on your door again. For that point on, it becomes a matter of how long you can ignore them.

The third and final option is to take the chance to gain some new friends. As you well know, I don’t like the idea of girls being in men’s dorms and I staunchly despise coarse obscenities like premarital interdigitation. However, when it come to just conversating, they’re not so bad! I highly suggest that you make a friend or two that are girls. By golly, they might even help you with your homework every once and awhile.

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