You Should Care: What it means to be a man
by Elisabeth Wilder – Horizon Columnist
“Man up.”
It was written on the back of my high schools women’s basketball team t-shirts. “Man up” was their theme for the year. It was shouted at the end of every team huddle, before the start of a game, and written on every poster hung around the school. To them, the phrase meant that they would play more aggressively, be fearless, act belligerently, go harder on the court, and most of all, they weren’t going to play like girls.
“Stop acting like a girl.”
Is what it might as well have said. Man up? What was wrong with being a girl? Why were men associated with being aggressive, belligerent, and dominant? Was that supposed to be a good thing?
“Don’t be a pussy!”
In the hyper masculine culture that we live, phrases like these are uttered interchangeably everyday. Our culture that tells us that being a man means being aggressive, violent, and sexually dominant. Our culture fears femininity, because the stereotypical traits that coincide with what it means to be feminine are the exact opposite of what we have defined what it means to be man. To be a man means that the traditional roles of women must be counteracted. If women are the caretakers, nurturers, and submissive ones, then men must be the providers, dominant, and the aggressive ones.
“Grow a pair.”
Men cannot escape these messages, they’re everywhere. In the news, media, movies, music, action figures, and just about any other place we can look. The message is clear, not only is the meaning of being a man to not be a woman, it means proving your masculinity. To be a man means that you must demonstrate it through fighting, lack of emotion, crass language, or the sexual conquest of women. Being a man means that you can’t show weakness, vulnerability, or fear because men are supposed to be tough and powerful.
“Don’t act so queer!”
When men do show traits that have not been deemed masculine, they are quickly shoved back into place with slurs such as this that imply that being a man pertains specifically to their sexuality or behavior. Being a man is fighting to resolve conflict in movies. It’s half naked women grinding on rappers in music videos. Masculinity is equated with guns, knives, and explosives. Men with big muscles and toned bodies are the ideal image of men plastered in magazines, action figures, commercials, movies, and TV shows. Manhood is equivalent to the number of women a man has slept with. Manliness is likened to how big and strong a man is. To be a man is to be in control, to be strong, to be assertive, to be forceful, and to be rugged. A man’s gotta be a man.
“Don’t be such a little bitch.”
And it’s a huge problem. Even talking about the issue of hyper masculinity has the potential for a man get this response. Harvard graduate, author, and educator Jackson Katz has devoted his career to exposing the harmful effects of a culture that teaches that manhood is associated with violence and aggression. In his latest documentary Tough Guise he explores this phenomenon with shocking evidence. Men commit 86% of armed robberies, 77% of aggravated assaults, 99% of rape cases, 90% of murders, 86% of domestic violence cases resulting in injury, and have committed 61 of the 62 mass shootings in the last 30 years.
“Boys will be boys.”
What a horrible and deceitful excuse. If biology is the only thing that separates men and women from committing heinous acts, why aren’t all men committing these atrocities? In countless reports, why is the United States the leader in violence in comparison to other wealthy nations? Even if biology were the culprit, are we not more than primal instinct? Do we give in to every biological urge such as cravings for fats and sugar, desires to promote ones self interest over others, or to cheat? All of which can be argued are “rooted in biology.”
“Don’t be such a wuss!”
This, this has to stop. Not just for the sake of fewer cases of rape, murder, and abuse, but because we cannot keep telling boys, young men, and guys that this is what it means to be a man. While the cases of violence are alarming, what is equally disturbing is the fact that men make up 80% of suicides in the United States. We can’t keep feeding our sons, brothers, friends, boyfriends, husbands, uncles, and men of all sorts this lie. This fallacy that their identity is in wrapped up in the women they sleep with, the people they have power over, how many guns they own, and the heavy things that they can lift.
“Don’t make me take away your man card!”
But this culture and the language that comes with it will only end if we stop using gender and sexuality as insults and putting men inside a narrow box. We need to stop using femininity and homosexuality as slurs. It’s not womanly to eat a salad. Sharing your feelings doesn’t make you gay. Choosing not to retaliate with violence doesn’t make you weak or girly. Not having sex with an unconscious girl doesn’t make you a wuss. Having the courage to be who you are, dress how you want, and say what you really feel shouldn’t make you the target of insults and gender policing.
“Enough is enough.”
Men, you are more than what you can bench, how much money you make, who you are dating, or how many fights you’ve been in. You, are what defines you, not the media, movies, action figures, books, status, or your golf handicap. Be a man, but be whatever kind of man you want to be.
The vulgarity of language use in this article is unnecessary and inappropriate. I am affended that hesston horizions would allow this to be posted unless it was cleaned up.
I also have to add that the author of this article seems to fall into the same stereotypes about men that She is trying to expose. There is a strong hate toward men although there is not a single reference to women other than the idea that they are the victims of men. All this talk about being a man and not being so weak but then the author says ” Be a man, but be whatever kind of man you want to be”, so if men are being the men they want to be, why then are we criticized for being the man we want to be? Is it because women want control? Is it because men are better? Is it because women can’t be what they want to be so they lash out at men? Is because the harsh attacks towards men ecourage them to become more than what others think they can be? It’s it because God made man first and appointed him to be care the taker of creation and women were created equal to man but with different roles?
Why do men make up 80% of suicides in the United States of America? Maybe because there role is being over taken by women? If women can do everything there is no need for men. There is a limit that has been completely passed by women and stereotypes. You may ask how so? And I will tell you by commercials, clothing styles, attitudes, actions, media, and in other ways. Men are not watching men in porn, it is women! (Let’s leave homosexuality out of this conversation, it’s for another day). A lot of women would say “Well men should be able to control themselves”! as I just mentioned in the sentences above the limit has been passed. If men aren’t supposed to be the thought guy how do you expect us to withstand the greatest temptation of sex? Women believe they don’t have rights and men are all the same, why then do women make themselves vulnerable. The dominace of men is seen because women lesser themselves by becoming strippers, pornstars, trying to be prettier than they are, filling roles they can’t fit, not being contempt with who they are and where there at. Media says you need to be better, men accept you for who you are.
Thank you for your comment. I’m happy that I have the opportunity to explain myself further. To keep things short I would just like to say that I don’t hate men, which is why I wrote this piece. I wrote this piece for my boyfriend, my father, my two brothers, my cousins, and all the men who I cherish deeply. If anything, I wrote this article to free men. To free men of the stereotypes, societal pressures, and all the ways they are put a box. It is evident that constantly telling men to be strong, tough, aggressive, and assertive has serious consequences to others and themselves.
Women have responsibility in this matter as well. Although not as frequently, women use the very same language that I used in my article to put down men. Women are also just as susceptible to the normalizing of toxic masculinity, such as reinforcing the idea that “boys will be boys.” This is not a men’s issue or a women’s issue, it is cultural dilemma.
In addition, I’m sorry that my language offended you, but I do believe it was necessary to include in the article. By using strong language it was my hope to draw attention to the cruel words that men are subjective to hearing. Whether it offends us or makes uncomfortable, men are frequently confronted with this harsh language, which is why it needs to be addressed.
Lastly, when I wrote “Be a man, but we whatever kind of man you want to be.” I was referring to the idea that men could define themselves in anyway they choose and not just the way that society wants them to be.